A Quick History of Shoes - and by the way, belts are bastards

Why focus on shoes? Because no matter how big or small your belly gets, no matter how old and out of shape you might be, shoes still fit. Not like a belt – those tightening bastards – which need to be adjusted after a big meal, the right shoes will always be faithful. So, let’s start with a brief history of them.

Humanity's longest-running fashion statement and the bane of barefoot enthusiasts everywhere. The history of shoes is a tale of practicality meeting vanity. It all started with the simple need to protect our delicate tootsies from the harsh realities of rocky paths and hot sands. Fast forward a few millennia, and we've got shoes that light up, shoes that can track your steps, and shoes that seem to require a PhD to lace up properly.

The first shoes were probably created out of necessity during the Ice Age—no one wants frostbite on their feet. These were made from animal hide and were more functional than fashionable. But as time marched on, so did the evolution of the shoe. The ancient Egyptians were the trendsetters of their time, sporting sandals that declared their status. The higher the straps went up the leg, the more important you were.

Then came the Middle Ages, where shoes got pointy—ridiculously pointy. Some were so long and sharp that laws were passed to limit the length of the toe point. Imagine tripping over your own feet because your shoes were too trendy. In the 18th century, heels were all the rage, and not just for the ladies. Even men got in on the action, strutting around in heels to show off their calves.

Today, shoes are a reflection of personality and purpose. Whether you're a sneakerhead, a stiletto aficionado, or someone who just wants something between their feet and the sidewalk, there's a shoe out there for you. So, here's to shoes: the unsung heroes of our wardrobes, keeping our soles happy and our fashion sense sharp! May they continue to evolve and occasionally confound us with their laces, straps, and inexplicable designs.

10/6/2024 – Admittedly with the help of AI