Gym Nos

If you spend any time in the gym working out, what you see will depend on the time you get there.

For instance, the early AM is for the serious gym goer. These are the folks who show up religiously 3-5 days and week and you have everything from the extreme muscle heads to the guys who never seem to get anywhere - but at least they show up.

Early evening is filled with high schoolers, mostly in packs of 3-5 all taking turns on one weight bench. I have no idea who is there mid-morning, noon, or late afternoon and I don't care. I probably will never get there at that time. Same for late evening, like 8PM-10PM. For whatever reason, that seems like the most depressing time to work out.

Of the many groups that workout during the day one of the easiest to spot is the newly divorced dad. The 'oh shit why'd I wait until I had a 38 waist and was 30 pounds overweight' men are indistinguishable from the divorcees so let's lump them together.

I feel for you and applaud you for getting out there and trying and I mean this with all sincerity, it comes from a real desire to help. For your own sake: don't.

Don't tuck in that t-shirt. You think it makes you look slimmer? Even if you suck it in, a tucked t-shirt just accentuates your 'Mr Dunlap' form (your belly done lap over your belt).

While we're at it - wear a plain T-shirt or an Under Aurmor or similar brand. No one can pull off a 'Pain is fear leaving the body' shirt unless they're an actual Navy Seal. If you wear anything in the genre of a 'Free Mustache Ride' t-shirt I reserve the right to carelessly drop a 100 lb dumbbell on your toes.

Dad jeans, even stretchy ones, are always a bad choice, but they're the worst choice if you think you can work out in them. Embarrassed to wear shorts? Don't. A pair of sweatpants with a matching hoody will help you sweat off those extra pounds. After a few months of hard work, you can have a 'reveal' by taking your hoody off when you're really working hard.

Keep your socks on! Trendy workout magazines will tell you that doing deadlifts without your sneakers on is better than wearing shoes. True, but never, ever can you walk around in the gym barefoot. I can't even . . .

Headwear. Why? Colorful bandanas? Where do you think you are - San Quentin? A backward ball cap? Are you 9? Besides a hat with a brim gets in the way for most gym equipment.

There are a few more dos and don'ts, especially concerning earphones and singing along to your music, and I won't go near what gross things can happen in the locker room and showers but . . .

For today, we'll just stick to the clothes. Keep it simple. Keep it real. Don't try to be someone you're not. And most of all, keep at it. No matter what, consistency in the gym pays off and you can't expect immediate results.